Kantaras Law is proud to highlight nonprofits that align with the mission of the firm, which focuses on children, education and women. In recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we welcome Tiffiny Newton, the founder of IgniteHer, a nonprofit dedicated to helping communities recognize abuse, build safety skills, and remove the barriers survivors face when leaving and rebuilding their lives. Newton founded the organization after fleeing her own domestic violence situation. For more information about IgniteHer, please visit their website at www.IgniteHer.org.
Behind the Smile: Recognizing the Hidden Signs of Abuse
By Tiffiny Newton
Author of Behind the Smile | Founder of IgniteHer, Inc.
What if someone you cared about was living in an abusive relationship and you had no idea? She goes to work. She sees her family. She may post pictures online and smile when you ask how she's doing. Everything can look fine.
I know because I lived it. There were no obvious bruises in my relationship. What was happening was much harder to explain. There was manipulation, fear, isolation, and financial control. Little by little, I stopped trusting my own judgment, but it didn't happen all at once. I started questioning decisions I used to make without thinking. I apologized when I hadn't done anything wrong. I became more careful about what I said and did because I knew there could be consequences. Even what people saw online was controlled. My abuser wanted other people to believe everything was fine, and I learned how to maintain that appearance. Eventually, the financial control became financial devastation.
By the time I understood how much had changed, I barely recognized my own life.
That experience led me to found IgniteHer in 2023. It also led me to write Behind the Smile in 2024. I wanted to talk about the kinds of abuse people don't always recognize, especially when there isn't a physical injury to point to.
Abuse Doesn't Always Look Like Violence
When people hear "domestic violence," physical violence is usually what comes to mind, but control can start long before physical violence.
It might be a partner questioning every purchase, deciding who you can spend time with, demanding your passwords, monitoring where you go, or becoming angry when you make a decision without them. Sometimes it is presented as love or concern. "I'm just worried about you," or "I only ask because I care," or "Why do you need to talk to them?" Over time, those behaviors can become a pattern. One behavior doesn't necessarily tell you what is happening, but it’s the pattern that matters.
Some things to watch for are:
- Constant criticism that affects someone's confidence
- Isolation from friends, family, or coworkers
- Extreme jealousy
- Control over money or financial accounts
- Monitoring someone's location or communications
- Fear of making a partner angry
- Feeling like you need permission to make everyday decisions
- Making excuses for a partner's behavior
- A noticeable change in someone's confidence or independence
Technology Can Become Another Tool of Control
Abuse doesn't always require physical access to someone. Technology can make it easier for someone to keep tabs on another person without being physically present.
I've spoken with survivors who discovered AirTags in their vehicles or belongings. Others found that someone was accessing their email, cloud storage, or social media accounts. Some didn't realize their location was being shared or that another person had access to a vehicle app or smart-home system.
If someone always knows where you are, expects access to your accounts, reads your messages, or becomes angry when you turn off location sharing, don't automatically dismiss it as jealousy or protectiveness. It may be another way of maintaining control.
If Someone Tells You They're Being Abused
There is one question survivors hear all the time: "Why don't you just leave?" I understand why people ask it. From the outside, leaving can seem like the obvious answer. But leaving can involve housing, money, children, pets, employment, and safety. There may also be a very real fear of what the abuser will do if they realize the relationship is ending. If someone you know tells you what is happening, you don't need to have a solution ready, just start with:
"I believe you."
"This isn't your fault."
"How can I help support you today?"
"Is there a call I can make for you?"
"Is there somewhere you feel safe?"
"What do you need right now?"
Maybe you help make a phone call. Maybe you help find information or resources. Maybe you simply listen without questioning every decision she has made. And if she isn't ready to leave, don't assume there is nothing you can do. A survivor may leave and return. She may change her mind. She may not be ready when everyone around her thinks she should be. That doesn't mean she doesn't need support; stay connected. Knowing there is someone she can call without being judged can matter more than you realize.
Look Beyond What You Can See
Someone reading this may recognize something in her own relationship. Someone else may think about a friend, daughter, sister, coworker, or neighbor. Maybe you've noticed that someone you know isn't quite herself anymore. Maybe she seems nervous about making decisions, has become isolated, or constantly explains away her partner's behavior.
Don't assume you know what is happening but don't ignore what you're seeing, either. Domestic violence can be physical, but it can also involve emotional abuse, financial control, isolation, surveillance, and coercive control. You don't have to see a bruise before you take someone's fear seriously.
I know because I lived behind the smile. That is why I wrote Behind the Smile and why I founded IgniteHer. I want more people to recognize abuse before they dismiss the signs, and I want survivors to know that what they are experiencing has a name. Sometimes recognizing what is happening is where change begins.
Tiffiny Newton is the founder of IgniteHer and author of Behind the Smile. Through speaking and community education, she helps people recognize coercive control, emotional abuse, and the hidden signs of domestic abuse.
